September 16, 2019
Brittany Runs a Marathon...and Shame
This week I went to see Brittany Runs a Marathon with my partner, and our discussion afterwards led me to write about a major theme I noticed as I watched this heartwarming, yet tear-filled movie. I will provide a slight *spoiler alert* although most of the general conceit of the plot is noticeable in the movie's trailer. What stood out to me was the fluctuation of Brittany's (played by Jillian Bell) emotions between feelings of acceptance and avoidant feelings of shame. Why would losing weight & reaching for a personal goal, especially when those attributes are being noticed and affirmed by others, create shame? I want to be delicate and say that I'm by no means trying to explain a woman's experience, nor am I condoning that I have similar body issues and have therefore also dealt with what Brittany is going through. I have experienced the ever-aging body of mine, noticing the lack of metabolism I once use to have in my teens and twenties. But the movie covers plenty on what it's like for Brittany as a woman, and I will not speak to that experience cause I never have been in those shoes. However, what I can connect to personally and have noticed in EVERY single one of my clients (men and women) is how shame causes us to avoid connection.
Brittany deals with the ups and downs of experiencing these new changes in her body. She weighs herself many times throughout the film, hoping to reach the goal her doctor prescribed her, and she begins to see the change. Especially at the surface Brittany notices her own change, then she begins to notice that others around her are also noticing her. In her world it seems as though all eyes are on Brittany and for her this feels foreign. In a few key moments portrayed very openly and raw, we the audience, see Brittany reject the support they offer. In the therapeutic world we will often refer to this as shame. So what exactly is shame? Shame has a very popular definition, one that actually compares it to guilt, "guilt says I've done wrong, shame says I AM wrong." While I don't necessarily disagree with this definition, I'd like to stretch it a bit further. Shame isn't just a feeling we have about ourselves, it is actually something that disconnects us from others. Curt Thompson (an expert on shame and the neurobiological brain) goes on to say that shame is destructive, but is also our "system’s way of warning of possible impending abandonment."
As we grow older, the messiness of the world around us begins to set in. There's that moment in childhood where we scream out for mom or dad to watch us jump off the high dive, but are instead met with them staring down at their phones or engaged in another conversation. We shrug it off, but our brains begin doing something very impressive - they pinpoint that moment as a very little reminder that we aren't as important. Later in life we make a joke in front of our friends at a high school party. Internally we believe it's really funny, but the response from those around us tells us what we just said or how we just acted wasn't funny or acceptable. Another pinpoint. We grow older and find ourselves offering a really great suggestion in some type of business meeting, only to be met with someone else having the better idea. Even though we worked so hard to make that suggestion it just wasn't received in the way we hoped it would. Another pinpoint. These pinpoints are the very mapping of the brain that begin to actually protect us. Enough of those moments and we learn not to put ourselves out there as often. Because, why would we? Only to be met with ridicule and embarrassment? It's not worth it! I believe that is what Thompson is referring to and also what is happening to Brittany in her own story. There have been enough pinpoints from her past to convince her that sharing who she really is, is NOT worth it. This was something I wished the movie dove into more, instead it only gave us slightly cryptic messages about where Brittany received those messages.
Being a therapist, I'd want to know where those messages showed up for Brittany. It's important to try and find those moments because as DeYoung states in her book about treating shame, "as we make connections between what we read and what we know of ourselves and our history, theory will uncover our own emotionally potent story, and shame will ‘make sense’ in ways we don’t forget." That is the good work of therapy, something I feel honored to do with my clients at Doors Open Therapy. Brittany's personal therapy (without really knowing it) was running the race. And as any marathoner knows, the actual race day is just the final curtain. First time marathoners, like Brittany, typically spend 16 weeks of training, running from 12-40 miles per week. This just means that the 3+ hours you'll spend running the race pales in comparison to all the planning, sometimes dieting, rallying up support, keeping healthy, and just overall staying motivated for that important day. Brittany doesn't realize it, but the support team that she's built is willing to help her in ways she never expects. Due to her own shame, she responds in far less accepting ways. I'd highly suggest seeing Brittany Runs a Marathon and if you're ever curious of your personal pinpoints please peruse the rest of my website and feel free to send me a note.
As always, thank you for reading.
Thompson, C. (2015). The soul of shame: Retelling the stories we believe about ourselves.DeYoung, P. A. (2015). Understanding and treating chronic shame: A relational/neurobiological approach.